Cycle Tourism the Solution to Economic Woes – Gormless

Green Party Leader, De Fintly Gormless could not

conceal his happiness with the outcome of negotiations

The Program for Government published at the weekend finally identified the key to Ireland’s economic recovery.

“Cycle tourism is totally underdeveloped in Ireland and sure isn’t it grand cycling here in the rain, - not that I’d know since I’m a government Minister and have a car and driver – but you get my meaning” said Green Party Leader, Defintly Gormless, at a press conference on Tuesday.

“Anyone can see that if only 10% of the European population came to Ireland on cycle tours, that would mean 35 million visitors per year flying here by Ryanair, and if each tourist spent only €1.000 per week and had a two week holiday, that would bring €96 billion into the Irish economy if I’ve got my sums rights – and they were prepared by the Department of Finance. Essentially, cycle tourism can be counted on to wipe out the entire national debt within 15 months.”

“So there you go, economic crisis solved. I've really no idea why everyone was making a big drama about it. ”

Government Banana growing program a success

Willie O'Dea, Minister for Defense,
at local elections last year

Defense Minister, Willie O’Dea, has confirmed that the banana growing test at the €2,5 billion Bananatorium at a secret military base in Tralee, Co. Kerry had been a massive success. The program, set up under the patronage of outgoing Ceann Comharile O'Donoghue, employs 3 workers and 245 civil servants, and produced more that two pounds of bananas in the first year. Production next year is expected to rise by 50% and the number of people employed at the facility should rise 20% when the handicapped kid with one arm and claw hand is hired as Safety Officer.

“I can now proudly say that, under this government, that today Ireland has joined the league of the world’s banana-producing republics.” O’Dea told assembled journalists, “That does not mean that we are a banana republic because that would be something completely different..”

Cowen not possessed by spirit of Oliver Cromwell

Spot the difference?
Taoiseach Brian Cowen (left) and the 'Scourge of God' (right)

Brian Cowen has denied reports today that he is possessed by the spirit of Oliver Cromwell, even though he doesn't like Limerick. He also said that the his government is not the worst thing to happen to Ireland since the invasion by Cromwell, since the Famine was pretty bad too and so far, under his government, 20% of the Irish population can still afford food. In spite of pleas from the Bishop of Dublin and four days of fasting by 3.000 hungry pensioners at St. Patrick's Cathedral, Cowen has refused to submit to an exorcism and continues to be guided in all his actions by Our Lord of Flies, Beelzebub.

Letter to Ma..

Green Party HQ,

Never-neverland,

Dublin 2

Dear Mammy,

The weekend's hustings was a great success, not least because we didn't give the plebs anything to read until 5 minutes befiore the vote. Now we’ve got the Fianna Feckers to agree to 500 more teachers (sure aren’t they all FF anyway!) and moving the Abbey theatre, the time for crisis management is over, and on the back of our planned boom in cycle tourism, the Irish economy can be expected to go from strength to strength.

I must confess that I was a bit disappointed that Obama got the Peace Prize, but maybe I’ll get the recognition I so justly deserve next year.

Your favoritest greenest boy,

Gormless

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